A Man's Trained Dog

Bent Receptors

You know someone's social cue receptors are cooked when you absolutely can't think of anything to say or do to get them to stop talking. 

Generous Donation

The brains of those who fail to notice the complete disinterest others have in topics they have a lot to say about need to be donated to and studied by science. 

The subject was a middle-aged male who sporadically and one-sidedly jumped from one topic to the next, connecting otherwise completely unrelated talking points in a way that only a truly special and relentless mind can could.

The Third-wheel

Why even talk to others if you could go that long with little to no participation from the person you are "conversing" with? You clearly don't need me here. In fact, how about I get back to work and put on headphones while you carry on? Come on, now, Paul. How is this disrespectful or even different from the previous arrangement? 

It’s Still Happening

Just when I thought his mouth was getting dry from all the talking and that we were heading for a short breather that we both needed for different reasons, he went, "Our dog is very well-trained, you know."

He asked, "Do you know about the button pad from FluentPet?" I was like, "Yes! I love it!" I hoped he'd spare me the explanation, but he went on to tell me what it was anyway: It's an input pad used to train dogs to communicate with their owners.

Mistakes Were Made

It was then that a regrettably unexpressed thought came to a tortured mind: If I were your dog, Paul, I would learn 26 different ways to ask you to shut your fucking mouth. I'd also bite the hand that fed me and tear it to pieces for a chance at returning to the dog shelter or, who knows, even the wilderness, anything for some fucking piece and quiet.